


Where The Horizon And The Rooftops Meet

by waterofthemoon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Community: spnland, Diary/Journal, Established Relationship, M/M, One Shot, POV First Person, POV Outsider, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-29
Updated: 2010-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterofthemoon/pseuds/waterofthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel keeps a journal and contemplates his existence as the apocalypse approaches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where The Horizon And The Rooftops Meet

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this about two months ago for the first [**spnland**](http://community.livejournal.com/spnland/profile) writing challenge! The prompt was to write entries from a character's LJ (so, um, warning for first person). It's been expanded and edited since then; thanks to [**clex_monkie89**](http://clex-monkie89.livejournal.com/profile) and [**gigglingkat**](http://gigglingkat.livejournal.com/profile) for their support, and thanks to [**monjinator**](http://monjinator.livejournal.com/profile) for the after-market beta. ♥ The art was made by me for a different [**spnland**](http://community.livejournal.com/spnland/profile) challenge!

**Date:** September 30, 2009 at 4:35 am.  
**Subject:** A beginning.

Sam Winchester suggested that I begin this journal to record my thoughts in moments of quiet contemplation. I find it a curious mode of communication. Sam assures me that since my entries are "locked," Lucifer cannot read them. He is beginning to trust me more these days, and I him, now that he no longer deals with the demon Ruby. The Winchesters informed me that she was killed when Lucifer rose.

My search for God continues. He is out there. I can feel His presence, but I cannot find Him, though I've searched over much of Creation. Dean says that what I'm feeling is called frustration and that the best method of dealing with it is to distract oneself with alcohol and fornication. I do not find his advice helpful.

I must go. My cell phone is ringing, which means the Winchesters are looking for me. They are the only ones who contact me that way. Perhaps they have found something useful.

*

**Date:** October 5, 2009 at 12:42 am.  
**Subject:** I must not fail.

Being cut off from Heaven is a curious thing. I can no longer feel the presence of my brothers, their voices whispering at the edges of my being. This is probably for the best, as they oppose my actions. I know they would give orders to stop me if more of them knew my plans.

It is not given to the angels to understand why things happen or to choose our own destinies. It is given to us only to serve and protect our Father and His most perfect creations, to follow orders unquestioningly and with unyielding faith.

I question. I doubt the angels. I have defied and killed. It is no wonder that I was banished after my resurrection.

I do not doubt the love of God, as many of them seem to. I can no longer heal, but I can still feel the light and presence of a living soul.

*

**Date:** October 21, 2009 at 3:32 pm.  
**Subject:** Witnessing a renewal.

Interrupted Dean Winchester's fornication with his brother. It was an urgent matter requiring his services, but perhaps not so urgent that it could not have waited an appropriate amount of time. Curiously, Dean did not seem ashamed. Sam Winchester requested that I knock before entering a room.

They are so... human. For all that I've discovered about humans, their needs remain a mystery to me. My brothers would suggest that for brothers to lie with each other is sinful, better suited to the denizens of hell, but they did not witness the love that I have. It is an old love. This is why they cannot see why the Winchesters will not destroy each other.

I am glad that they know each other again. Renewing their bonds, even this way, will make them stronger for the things to come. Perhaps this is how the apocalypse will end—Michael and Lucifer's chosen vessels will find each other in the light and cleave together, as they have for years, and the choices they make in love will change the path of destiny.

It is not written that way, but I have faith. I will protect the Winchesters, and when the time is right, my Father will reward them.

*

**Date:** November 9, 2009 at 7:04 pm.  
**Subject:** A brother rediscovered.

The archangel Gabriel revealed himself to the Winchesters. It seems that he's been posing as a trickster god for some time. It has been a long time since I laid eyes on him.

I should pity him. He imprisoned me to get to Sam and Dean, and yet I know I should feel compassion for him, the brother who ran away. I don't understand why this is such a difficult task or why I felt anger when I looked at him. Anger, not righteous fury, and not the forgiveness I should have found. Have I been on Earth too long already?

I can understand Gabriel's compulsion to escape, however. Even before Uriel started killing angels, there was violence and unrest within my garrison. I resent him, in a way, but I don't envy the turmoil he must feel.

While I was trapped, he urged the Winchesters to accept Lucifer and Michael into themselves. In this way, if in no other, he's no different from Zachariah and the other angels. Strange that I don't count myself among them anymore. I am an angel of the Lord, but I no longer serve the interests of Heaven.

I am glad that Dean showed the compassion towards Gabriel that I could not. I would do the same for his brother if the time came.

*

**Date:** November 21, 2009 at 2:36 am.  
**Subject:** Lucifer.

We faced Lucifer tonight. He trapped me in holy fire and suggested that there are certain resemblances between me and him. I may have rebelled against Heaven, but I will never be like him. Lucifer is wrong, and my resolve to protect Sam from becoming his vessel has been strengthened.

The Colt failed us. Lucifer still walks the earth. When his vessel burns up, he will locate another to contain him. I must leave now and continue searching for my Father. When I find Him, I know that He will put a stop to all of this. He cannot truly wish for humanity to be wiped from existence, not after He cast Lucifer out so long ago. Why can't Lucifer see how truly miraculous humans are?

We also learned that the demon Crowley opposes the apocalypse. I find it difficult to believe that I'm writing this, but given time, he could become a powerful ally.

*

**Date:** January 6, 2010 at 5:39 pm.  
**Subject:** Eden pales in comparison.

This afternoon, I paused in my search for God to take in the wonder of His creation.

I sat on a rooftop and witnessed a tree shedding its last leaves into the wind, a man shouting into a cell phone, and an infant crying. It is miraculous that something so tiny will grow into a person with the capacity for such greatness.

Another thing I love about this place: the great multitude of colors and smells. Rain fell over this town early this morning, and now the air is clean and humid. Heaven does not resemble the pictures in their books, but it's nothing like here, either. Most angels lack the imagination that comes so readily to the human race. I believe Raphael led the celestial planning committee all those ages ago.

There is much that I still have yet to learn from them. I think I will remain on this rooftop until it gets dark.

*

**Date:** February 5, 2010 at 9:14 pm.  
**Subject:** Another loss.

Anna's dead.

The Winchesters informed me after I recovered. Time travel is a messy business, especially these days. I'm surprised that my vessel is still intact.

I feel Anna's loss more strongly than I do that of the other brothers we've lost. She was the only one who understood our true capacity. It is written that the angels were not given free will, but we were created in our Father's image. If He didn't want us to think for ourselves, then why did He grant us the ability to change?

I am glad that I did not have to face Michael, even if that makes me a coward. It is a certainty that he would have smote me as well, and I fear that I would not be brought back a second time. The Winchesters still need me. That's the one thing Anna didn't understand; Sam being alive is vital, even if his never having been born might have stopped all of this. _Both_ of them being alive is vital.

Enough contemplation. It is time to move on.

*

**Date:** February 16, 2010 at 6:05 am.  
**Subject:** Keeping watch.

Dean and I kept vigil outside Bobby Singer's panic room while Sam recovered from the effects of the demon blood. Dean is drinking a lot of alcohol lately. I must keep an eye on him.

The Winchesters don't know that it was I who released Sam last time. Perhaps it is better for them not to know. It's not an easy thing to defy Zachariah's orders. I will not obey him again.

Dean disappeared for a time, but he did not say where he was going, and I did not follow him. I am beginning to understand his need for privacy. Despite Sam's constant presence by his side, he is the most solitary man I've met in my short time here.

They are upstairs together now, and I am watching the sun rise from outside Bobby Singer's home. It's a beautiful sunrise.

Jimmy is feeling ill. I should lie low for a few days while he recovers. I don't think I enjoy the feeling of digestion.

*

**Date:** March 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm.  
**Subject:** An unlikely disciple.

Dean suggested that I make contact with Rebecca Rosen using this medium. She is a faithful apostle of the prophet Chuck Shurley, and she may serve us well in this war.

She seems very eager to assist. I may have promised that she could touch Sam again, though it seemed a strange request. I'm sure he won't mind.

Becky asked me if I had ever seen the Winchesters kissing or touching each other "inappropriately." When I admitted that they had kissed in my presence, but only when they thought I could not see them, she asked me if I would read fiction that she had written. I informed her that the impending apocalypse prevented me from doing so. What is a "beta"?

Although she obviously (and loudly) recognizes the love between Sam and Dean, I find her overall manner a bit overwhelming. Still, we can't afford to discount someone who might help us. And she did promise to bake cookies, which Dean will appreciate.

*

**Date:** April 5, 2010 at 1:33 am.  
**Subject:** Trapped in solitude.

I am drunk.

I am drunk, and I am restless, and my Father has abandoned me, and Sam Winchester is an abomination, and Dean is infuriating, and I can't return home. Is Heaven still home? Or is this motel room home now? If I am confined to the earthly plane, and my Father doesn't want to be found, what use am I?

The possibility remains that Joshua was mistaken or untruthful, but I find that unlikely. I kept the amulet close at all times, and no matter where I went, no matter how close I felt to His presence, I could not find Him.

I should go and locate the Winchesters. They're all I have left to believe in, and if they fail me, I will have nothing left. Even after being cut off from Heaven, I've never felt so alone before.

Funny, how I can lose my faith and still keep my grace. That's more than Lucifer ever got.

*

**Date:** April 17, 2010 at 12:26 pm.  
**Subject:** On sacrificial lambs.

I have lost faith in Dean. He is reckless, arrogant, ungrateful—after all I've sacrificed for him and Sam, after everything we've been through together, he should show me more respect. I may have pulled him out of Hell so that he could be Michael's vessel should the time come, but things are different now. _I_ am different now, and I follow no one's orders but my own.

I may have acted rashly and released more anger on him than I intended. I regret the moment of weakness, but he's weak, too. Dean still thinks that sacrificing himself to Michael is the only way out of this. There has to be another way, something that won't result in Michael taking Dean and walking the Earth. Dean doesn't see that Sam still needs him—that I—_enough_.

Despite this, I'm about to do something for them that might kill me. If they actually manage to succeed at their part, though, it will not have been in vain.

I'm so weary of all of this.

*

**Date:** April 28, 2010 at 4:17 pm.  
**Subject:** Reflection.

I'm surprisingly not dead. I returned to the Winchesters today.

Sam sat beside me during my meditation time and told me he is glad that I'm on their team. I told him it is worth what it's cost me so far. I would not lie to him or Dean—they _are_ worth it—but he inadvertently gave me a new topic upon which to meditate.

So many have lost their lives in this fight. How many more will we lose before the end of days comes to pass? I am not hopeful that I will survive this war. Lucifer killed Gabriel and the pagan gods; what might he do to me?

Pestilence and Death are stirring, Michael and Lucifer draw ever nearer, and I am still nearly alone—but I still have a purpose, and I remain vigilant and loyal. I will fight as long as I remain useful.

I have faith in myself, and in that faith, I can gather the strength I need.


End file.
